Tag: dating

Intimacy: Touch Me In Different Ways

On By Ashley RedIn dating, Love, music2 Comments

‘Lay your head on my pillow, here you can be yourself. No one has to know what you are feeling, no one but me & you’

– Alicia Keys (Diary)Images by meandsomebodyson_ & meandsomebodydaughter

Beyond a relationship, dating, and even the talking stage… Is there a friendship? Is there intimacy?

When we make connections with people especially the ones that we are dating or possibly see a future with, we forget the small things. Those small things consists of friendship, trust, and intimacy.

Intimacy isn’t always about sex. You can touch each other in different ways, not just physical.

Intimacy is a bond you share with another person. Through that bond, you know that person like the back of your hand and things become more secure.

Psych Central says that getting to the core of a relationship requires that both people work through their fear. By visiting and revisiting these areas, intimacy matures and mellows over time.

That’s exactly what holds us back from a lot of things. FEAR.

The fear of being judged because of personality traits that you don’t want the other to see or flaws and insecurities that you may have. That’s understandable because we always want to show up as our highest self, but how do you expect to get to that root of closeness with a person if you haven’t shown them who you really are? Take the mask off.

Our friends that we acquire in our lives have seen the beautiful sides of us and the deep down in the gutter us. Even through all of that they love us anyway. You know why? Because they’re willing to go through the good and bad with us.

That should be applied to your person of interest as well. Having sex is fun but it becomes boring after a while. You have to keep each other interested.

You don’t have to have lame conversations. Lord knows I hate when a person “wyd” me to death. Ask them how there day is going, what their childhood was like, what’s the one thing they want to do before they die, how are they feeling & etc.

I remember a time when this boy stayed the night with me. We were laying in my bed naked but we didn’t have sex… We listened to music and talked all night and honestly, I was happy we didn’t do anything because from there it established that we could actually chill together. I also think that’s one of the reasons why we never fell off. That situation made us like each other more. I told my friends about it and they were just as shocked as me cause things usually don’t happen that way, but I knew it was definitely more there. (Lol I’ll keep y’all updated I’m still seeing how this is going to play out) etc.

In Alicia Keys song ‘Diary‘ she says:

“I won’t tell, your secrets

Your secrets are safe with me

I will keep, your secrets

Just think of me as the pages in your diary.”

That song went number one because that type of closeness and comfortability is something that we all crave. To be able to truly vent to someone and be yourself with them is unmatched.

On top of that, go out and explore together! Take initiative and make plans. Everything doesn’t have to be labeled as a date, you can enjoy each other’s company. If y’all click then the romance is going to be there regardless, you don’t have to be lovey dovey with everything.

Be vulnerable. Be fun. Be silly. Trust each other.

The world has our minds thinking that we have to be so cold-hearted and put up a wall with everyone we come in contact with when that’s not good at all. You don’t have to share everything all at once but you can give bits and pieces of yourself at a time. Rejection happens and it’s awful but you shouldn’t let that stop you from opening up to the next person.

Psych Alive says most of us say that we want to find a loving partner, but many of us have deep-seated fears of intimacy that make it difficult to be in a close relationship. The experience of real love often threatens our self-defenses and raises our anxiety as we become vulnerable and open ourselves up to another person.

Things last more when they aren’t rushed and when there’s a companionship. Remember you’re still getting to know each other, not only know each other LEARN each other.

Marriage  says when you jump into a relationship without being friends first, all types of issues and challenges occur, and you begin to expect more from the person and sometimes set unrealistic expectations.

That’s why some of us don’t know how to be intimate without sex being involved. You skipped over the most important step, but it’s okay. It’s never too late to pick each other’s head. Just relax and let things flourish. Most of all be patient, things will happen in its own time.

Snatching Souls

On By Ashley RedIn dating, Love, Lust, music2 Comments

‘Cause I love it when you’re looking down at me, I’m looking up at you.. And I don’t give a damn shawty, watch me knock your boots off’

– The Weeknd (What You Need)

A blessing and a curse.

The art of soul snatching is real! People often think that it’s just a individual dominating someone else’s body while their in ecstasy but it’s more. Orgasms and climaxes are natural but that does NOT mean you’ve ‘snatched someone’s soul’.

Soul snatching is being able to control your opposition not only physically but with your mind. A soul snatcher will entice your mind , leaving you fully open to experiencing new things outside your comfort zone.

Love Sex And Passion says They’ll please you and control you at the same time.

Not only is soul snatching real but so are soul ties. Each time a man connects with a woman sexually releasing his liquids and energy within her, he leaves a part of his DNA. If she doesn’t clean herself then it remains inside of her, leaving an impression which causes a person to become sexual addicted to that individual.

Sex is more than just a physical act, it’s spiritual as well. The more we are with a person especially in a sexual way, we start to develop their habits without even knowing it.

Jet Magazine says you ultimately become who you exchange with in the physical sense, so be mindful about who you choose.

Even when using a condom, spiritually transmitted demons can interrupt your spirit.

Have you ever noticed that some men and women can’t get over that one particular person that has caused them emotional trauma? No matter if it’s been months or years, the very sound of their name or even seeing their face just fills them up with disgust! It’s because something within them that wasn’t right tormented your inner being. Then eventually the only thing that was holding the relationship or bond together was the sex.

Sometimes that soul tie even causes us to attract that very person that we despise. It could be a different person, yet the same behavior. It all becomes familiar.

Pay attention to the way you are around this person. Are you calm and comfortable or are you sad for no reason or feeling empty?

I was always taught about soul ties and energies as a child but I never understood what it truly meant, especially when it came to sex. It wasn’t until I entered my twenties and had my own experiences is when I found out that it wasn’t a theory.

A couple of years ago, I was bonded to someone that I thought that I could potentially be with but it seemed like we were always clashing. There were times where I knew that the affects he had on me were destructive but I couldn’t shake him. It was a love/hate thing mixed with lust.

The more we linked up it seemed that we would literally exchange feelings. In the beginning I was always the happy one and he was always the sad one that felt like the world was on his shoulders.. then that all shifted into me becoming the depressed one and him becoming the ‘happy for no reason’ partner.

Once I finally came to my senses and ended it, I compared my experience with him to others. All the good and the bad was put into evaluation and I can truly say that we were tied together for all the wrong reasons. Even though I was hurt and didn’t want to believe it, I felt a sense of relief.

Women fall in love based on emotions even when they know the facts. Men fall in love based on facts, even if they have a strong connection or feeling for you they won’t let that overpower their decision on if they see a long term future with you.

MyBlackMatters says that many times we fall in love without realizing what it is we’re falling into. When a woman is led by her emotions this makes it easy for her to be taken advantage of. She may be sexually compatible with a man who has no idea how to care for her heart.

The same thing goes for men. This is why we have to be cautious of who we are exchanging liquids, energy, and spirits with. You don’t know what good or bad affects that person may have on you.

If you’re going to get your ‘soul snatched’ make sure you know who’s doing the snatching, you may be sleeping with the devil and you don’t even know it! Men and women your bodies are temples, your souls are flowers and your minds are butterflies. Treat them as such.

So ask yourself…

How many souls have I snatched? How many souls are living inside of you? Are we connected or are we attached?

“I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be.”

– Lisa Chase Patterson

Does Body Counts Matter To You?

On By Ashley RedIn dating, sexLeave a comment

‘I can tell that you been practicing.. All those other men were practice, they were practice

Yeah, for me, for me, for me’

– Drake (Practice)

Photographed by Lula Hyers

The past is never really in the past. When we get to know someone we want to know all about them.. their background, best memories, favorite food, childhood traumas, tastes in music, and past relationships. Then that dreadful question is asked….

‘What’s your body count?’

Usually when a man asks this question, he’s trying to see how innocent or freaky you are. When a woman asks this question she’s trying to see how experienced you are or if you even have some self control.

This makes things complicated and a little awkward because if you tell the truth, you’ll be judged on if you have some type of discipline or if you’re just being a thot.

(Thot is a slang term which originated from a Chicago rapper named Chief Keef meaning hoe or slut.)

Then if you lie about your past sexual partners you’ll get judged anyway if the truth is ever found out because no one likes a liar. Regardless the truth is hard to take in but its necessary.

Men are often pressured to lie about their sexual encounters to make them seem like they’re well experienced and if they don’t have this huge number connected to them, it makes them seem like they don’t get any action. Women are pressured to knock off a couple of numbers of their past lovers to make them seem like they’re ‘good girls’.

It’s crazy how these cultural stereotypes have our minds wrapped up in them like this.

Mel Magazine says men are supposed to go out there and get all they can while they can; women are supposed to seem discerning about who they let get up in there. Women are supposed to guard their virginity for love; men are supposed to get it over with as soon as possible or risk eternal humiliation. It follows then, that women would feel pressured to still seem pure, while men would feel pressured to seem experienced.

We’re all human and sexual beings by nature. Having sex is normal, no matter who we choose to lay down with or how many times we lay down with one person or multiple people.

Men can be openly sexual about their partners but why can’t a women acknowledge her sexual awakening and be as free as a man? Why is there so much double standards on something that were all doing?

Odyssey says that the number of people you personally include in your body count doesn’t define you in any way, but we still place this extreme amount of importance on it.

This is true. I’ve been around a lot of men who prefer women to have a certain amount of sexual parters because they claim that it shows that she’s pure, tight, and isn’t passing herself around.. but what about you?

The body is a temple regardless if you’re a man or a woman so shouldn’t that apply to men as well? Just because you have more sex partners than others doesn’t mean that you don’t respect yourself. Women love sex just as much as men, sometimes more the men. Yet men and women still set these unrealistic expectations on things that don’t even matter.

Dollar Shave Club reported that between zero and 10 is the range that people generally prefer to be involved with, especially when it comes to long term relationships.

Then there’s a myth that has been installed in everyone’s head believing that when a woman reaches a certain number of sex partners that she no longer has vaginal walls or tightness which is a flat out lie.

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Psychology Today says that the vagina’s tightly folded muscle tissue is very elastic, like an accordion or the mouth. When it’s at rest–all the time except sexual arousal and childbirth–the vagina’s muscle tissue remains tightly folded like a closed accordion. As women become sexually aroused, vaginal muscle tissue relaxes somewhat.

A tight vagina would prevent intercourse and reproduction from happening, so women evolved to have sexual arousal relax the vaginal muscles, allowing easier insertion of erections–and greater chance of pregnancy.

The arousal of a woman or how ever many sex partners she’s had doesn’t produce or stretch out her vaginal walls and it definitely doesn’t create a big opening since the vagina is elastic.

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On average women  require at least 30 minutes of sensuality—kissing, hugging, and mutual massage for their vaginas to relax enough to allow the penis to slide in comfortably. It gives women (and men) the warm-up time they need.

After relaxing during sex, vaginal muscle tissue naturally contracts—tightens—again. Intercourse does NOT permanently stretch the vagina. This process, loosening during arousal and tightening afterward, happens no matter how often the woman has sex, says Psychology Today.

Those myths can be put to rest now because these are the facts!

Honestly, a ‘body count’ is irrelevant because we were meant to be sexual beings. You shouldn’t label someone based on their past encounters because a persons past has nothing to do with you. You shouldn’t be intimated by anyone who’s had sex with someone you’re being involved with now. It’s a big world but we all are related to someone and have mutual friends with people. You are the present! Focus on that and stop being worried about childish things.

Personally, I don’t prefer to have sex with many people because everyone isn’t deserving of me in that way and I’m a clingy and territorial person. YOU ARE MINE! Period!

So with the attitude I have, casual sex wouldn’t work for me.  However, I don’t look at myself as higher than others who believe different or move different because I understand their point of views. I’m still going to show you that same respect, regardless of what you choose to do with your body. To be real, its not that deep as long as you’re using protection and not laying down with people for the wrong reasons (low self-esteem or trying to fill a void).

Women don’t be ashamed of yourself for what you did years ago, months ago or days ago. Do whatever makes you happy and don’t let anyone make you feel that you’re less than. You don’t need the approval of others. Men don’t feel that you need to lie to impress anyone or give off this persona that you’re a player, even if you were. Things happen and people change. As long as you’re living in you’re truth now.. that’s all that matters.

Thanksgiving: Meeting the Family

On By Ashley RedIn dating, Food, holidays, LoveLeave a comment

‘I can’t imagine myself without you. I need a whole lot of help without you. Me and my granny both agreed, damn you’re such a G I’ll hold you down forever.’

– Big Sean feat. Miguel (Ashley)

Image from InfoNG

It’s Thanksgiving and you’re meeting the family for the first time. This is definitely a big deal because Thanksgiving is basically the part 2 of having a family reunion. Your partner isn’t just going to bring anyone home for the holidays. This is a big step in the relationship.

Bustle says that the holidays are a time for us to celebrate family, friends, and love, and by including  you in their celebration, your partner is embracing you and all that you are.

There immediate family are coming along with the Aunts, Uncles, and cousins from out of town. You have to make a good impression on them especially your future in laws, so what do you do?

Rule #1

Respectful and Polite: Show them that you have manners because how you present yourself speaks on how you were raised. First impressions are everything! Make sure you SPEAK to Grandma and Mom especially! You can’t just be walking into other people’s homes without speaking. Also, don’t try too hard just be yourself.

Rule #2

Compose yourself. You know that they’re going to interrogate you because they want to know who their son or daughter is bringing home. Be calm and breathe! Answer their questions honestly but carefully and be thoughtful in your answers.

Rule #3

Help out in anyway possible. Ladies, if Mom needs help setting up the table, do that. If Auntie needs help getting ingredients for desserts or even needs help making desserts, do that. If Grandma needs your help to make the baked macaroni and cheese, do that. Fellas, if Dad is watching the game and invites you to politic with him and Unk, do that. Take the initiative and get involved in the family activities that they’re doing.

Rule #4

Feel out your partner’s family. Notice how they interact with each other and even how they interact with your partner. This will tell you a lot about his/her background and what kind of family they come from. Try to make a connection with someone there.

Beforehand talk to your partner about how you can have each other’s backs. It’s intimidating to come into a new environment when you don’t know anyone and some family members can throw shade making you feel uncomfortable.

Make sure that you and your partner talk about how you can look out for each other and do small things like sit next to each other or check in with one another occasionally. Relationship expert, Dr. Stan Tatkin talked to Insider and he says that that’s the idea of being a couple. They protect each other. They have each other’s backs, even with people that are familiar.

Prepare each other for other family dynamics and think extreme such as heated debates about politics, the interrogation process, drunk fights, and family secrets getting exposed. Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and founder of C Silva Solutions tells Bustle that it’s important that the couple are on the same page and can help minimize some of the nervousness your partner might feel.

To all my couples, did you meet your partners family over the holidays? If so how was the experience?

P.S. I have to show y’all some of the food my Mom made for Thanksgiving, she went crazy. This isn’t all of it but these are just my favorites.

Collard Greens

The best part of this is the juice especially when it has hot sauce in it.

Cornish Hen Chicken

My mom uses this as a substitute for turkey because turkey is just too dry to even try to eat.

Baked Macaroni & Cheese

This is the best thing ever created in life! I could literally eat this every single day. Not everyone knows how to make baked Mac & Cheese which is surprising because to me it’s easy to make, but just wow! I prefer this instead of the box version.

Dressing

This with cranberry sauce is a instant hit! The flavor is everything

Ham

I had to take a close up picture of the ham. Look at all those juices, the pineapples on the top made it even better.

How To Become More Comfortable

On By Ashley RedIn Love, sexLeave a comment

‘Baby kick your shoes off and relax. We ain’t in a rush so just kick back, all I need is your attention for what I’m needing’

– K-Young (Lay You Down)

Image from Usher’s U Got It Bad Video 

Getting to the level of comfortability with someone is not easy. Being naked in front of them for the first time can make you feel vulnerable and self conscious because there’s no where to hide. They’re literally seeing all of you.

Things can get awkward pretty fast or you might just be nervous to take things to the next step… and that’s okay. We’ve all been there, whether you’re just hooking up with someone new or it’s your first time having sex with your partner.

Busle says you have to be brave enough to address the issue, rather than just pretend everything’s fine and you’re really a nervous wreck.

It’s okay to feel shy, but the most important thing is that you have fun because sex shouldn’t be taken serious. You need to have someone that you can laugh with even when things don’t go right because sex isn’t perfect.

HowStuffWorks says that a common insecurity is about “performance”. Women worry that they’ll take too long to orgasm or that they won’t be able to. Men are concerned that they’ll ejaculate too quickly or not get hard enough.

Here’s some tips on how to make yourself more acquainted with your partner in the bedroom. This is from my personal experience so if it worked for me, I’m sure it’ll be no different for you.

Step 1:

Communicate with your partner and let them know your concerns and fears. By doing this, they should reassure you that even if it isn’t great the first time, they’ll be patient with you and lead you along the way. Talk about your sexual fantasies, what you want, and how you want it done.

Step 2

Walk around the house naked sometimes. We all have certain insecurities about our bodies, but that’s also why we should embrace them. Nobody’s perfect! Turn on some music and start dancing! Music makes everything better so let go and be free. Look yourself in the mirror and just own it, no matter what shape your in.

Step 3:

MASTER BATE! Yes I said it! Go to the sex store and get some sex toys and lube. It’s important that you learn your own body first. By you exploring your pleasure spots, it’ll be easier to guide your partner to the things that make you orgasm. You’re definitely going to be vocal on what you like and dislike. At first you’ll feel a little weird, but once you get that spot babyyyyy you’re going to meet God himself!

Step 4

Watch porn & practice. If you want to be good at something you have to see it first then try it yourself. The more you practice the better you’ll get. Give yourself time and don’t be too hard on yourself. Relax, don’t be so timid and don’t think too much. Just let things flow. If you’re a virgin, don’t expect your first time to be like a porno. Remember this is your first time ever doing something like this so you have to be realistic with yourself. The more you watch and do, the better you’ll get and that’ll also inspire you to try new things.

Step 5

HAVE FUN! Sex should not be taken serious. Laugh and smile during silly or awkward moments causes 9/10 your partner feels the same way. This will bring y’all closer. Be experimental, you don’t have to keep doing the same positions. If it isn’t fun for you than you shouldn’t be doing it. They’re here to get theirs so make sure you’re having a good time and getting yours too!

I want all my shy caterpillars to break free from their cocoon and be a butterfly. I challenge all my readers that are still in their shells, boy or girl to do these steps and share your stories with me. I’m confident that with the steps I’ve given you, y’all are going to be well acquainted.

Life is too short, we all deserve to have the best sex of our lives! Get out there and make me proud.

What Are Your Intentions?

On By Ashley RedIn dating, Love2 Comments

‘Even though I’m not your man, you not my girl imma call you my shawty.’

– Plies feat. T-Pain (Shawty)

Image from Lauren London

Dating in this time can be so stressful and confusing. Many of us don’t even get to an actual relationship. We get stuck in the ‘talking stage’, but in that stage we find ourselves doing relationship things and that’s what makes it complicated.

The talking stage is when two people flirt and get to know each other. There’s more than a friendship, but it isn’t a relationship yet.

Elite Daily says that the chase of acquiring a relationship became the goal rather than the destination for two people who want to be together. That has become so true living in this generation.

However, this part of dating is actually important because you need to spend some time with that person and see different parts of their personality. You need to see if y’all are actually compatible and if there’s chemistry there. You don’t want to rush into something that you aren’t prepared for and if it happens too quickly it’s bound to fail, so patience is key.

The problem comes when you let the fact that you like each other so much that you confuse those emotions with a relationship. It’s like a ‘you’re not mine but you belong to me’ type of thing.

Her Campus says that the talking stage is the biggest grey area when it comes to dating.

This is so true because it’s a safe place and it can linger on for a long time without having an actual title. You really have to play it safe when you’re in this department because there’s a 50/50 chance of you getting your feelings hurt or actually reaching a relationship.

Here’s some tips to help you survive this area of dating

Tips to survive the Talking Stage

  • Set Boundaries: You need to tell each other what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with. This is important so you both know your limits on things.
  • Communicate: Talk about everything so there won’t be any misunderstandings and also so y’all can know more things about each other. You really need to LEARN one another.
  • Respect: Y’all won’t get anywhere if there’s no respect. You have to respect each other, remember they’re only going to do what you allow them to do.
  • Truth: Be honest and upfront with each other because that makes things so much easier.
  • Emotions: Keep your emotions in check. Don’t let your feelings cloud your judgement. Don’t overthink, that only causes unnecessary problems for yourself. Listen to yourself and don’t ignore the signs you see whether they’re good or bad.
  • Time: Don’t allow yourself to be in the talking stage for years. It’s okay to be patient, but that’s only if there’s effort and actions being shown that you two are evolving to the next level. There’s a difference between a wait and a WASTE. Know who to cut off and who to be patient with.

Often times we confuse the talking stage with an actual relationship. We give our loyalty to one person when there’s no commitment established. We assume that because we like this person that we shouldn’t get to know other people but in all honesty that’s not how dating works. You’re SINGLE if there’s no relationship confirmed between you two. So you shouldn’t feel guilty about exploring your options on who could be the right mate for you. You have to put yourself in check and remember who you are! Don’t limit yourself.

(WOW! I’m actually preaching to myself right now lol)

It’s hard, trust me I know. The dating life is not for me right now. I’m taking a break from dating and having a love life for a long time.

So readers I want to know…

Are you dating to get in a relationship that can lead to marriage or are you just dating for the moment? What are your intentions?