Intimacy: Touch Me In Different Ways

‘Lay your head on my pillow, here you can be yourself. No one has to know what you are feeling, no one but me & you’

– Alicia Keys (Diary)Images by meandsomebodyson_ & meandsomebodydaughter

Beyond a relationship, dating, and even the talking stage… Is there a friendship? Is there intimacy?

When we make connections with people especially the ones that we are dating or possibly see a future with, we forget the small things. Those small things consists of friendship, trust, and intimacy.

Intimacy isn’t always about sex. You can touch each other in different ways, not just physical.

Intimacy is a bond you share with another person. Through that bond, you know that person like the back of your hand and things become more secure.

Psych Central says that getting to the core of a relationship requires that both people work through their fear. By visiting and revisiting these areas, intimacy matures and mellows over time.

That’s exactly what holds us back from a lot of things. FEAR.

The fear of being judged because of personality traits that you don’t want the other to see or flaws and insecurities that you may have. That’s understandable because we always want to show up as our highest self, but how do you expect to get to that root of closeness with a person if you haven’t shown them who you really are? Take the mask off.

Our friends that we acquire in our lives have seen the beautiful sides of us and the deep down in the gutter us. Even through all of that they love us anyway. You know why? Because they’re willing to go through the good and bad with us.

That should be applied to your person of interest as well. Having sex is fun but it becomes boring after a while. You have to keep each other interested.

You don’t have to have lame conversations. Lord knows I hate when a person “wyd” me to death. Ask them how there day is going, what their childhood was like, what’s the one thing they want to do before they die, how are they feeling & etc.

I remember a time when this boy stayed the night with me. We were laying in my bed naked but we didn’t have sex… We listened to music and talked all night and honestly, I was happy we didn’t do anything because from there it established that we could actually chill together. I also think that’s one of the reasons why we never fell off. That situation made us like each other more. I told my friends about it and they were just as shocked as me cause things usually don’t happen that way, but I knew it was definitely more there. (Lol I’ll keep y’all updated I’m still seeing how this is going to play out) etc.

In Alicia Keys song ‘Diary‘ she says:

“I won’t tell, your secrets

Your secrets are safe with me

I will keep, your secrets

Just think of me as the pages in your diary.”

That song went number one because that type of closeness and comfortability is something that we all crave. To be able to truly vent to someone and be yourself with them is unmatched.

On top of that, go out and explore together! Take initiative and make plans. Everything doesn’t have to be labeled as a date, you can enjoy each other’s company. If y’all click then the romance is going to be there regardless, you don’t have to be lovey dovey with everything.

Be vulnerable. Be fun. Be silly. Trust each other.

The world has our minds thinking that we have to be so cold-hearted and put up a wall with everyone we come in contact with when that’s not good at all. You don’t have to share everything all at once but you can give bits and pieces of yourself at a time. Rejection happens and it’s awful but you shouldn’t let that stop you from opening up to the next person.

Psych Alive says most of us say that we want to find a loving partner, but many of us have deep-seated fears of intimacy that make it difficult to be in a close relationship. The experience of real love often threatens our self-defenses and raises our anxiety as we become vulnerable and open ourselves up to another person.

Things last more when they aren’t rushed and when there’s a companionship. Remember you’re still getting to know each other, not only know each other LEARN each other.

Marriage  says when you jump into a relationship without being friends first, all types of issues and challenges occur, and you begin to expect more from the person and sometimes set unrealistic expectations.

That’s why some of us don’t know how to be intimate without sex being involved. You skipped over the most important step, but it’s okay. It’s never too late to pick each other’s head. Just relax and let things flourish. Most of all be patient, things will happen in its own time.

Snatching Souls

‘Cause I love it when you’re looking down at me, I’m looking up at you.. And I don’t give a damn shawty, watch me knock your boots off’

– The Weeknd (What You Need)

A blessing and a curse.

The art of soul snatching is real! People often think that it’s just a individual dominating someone else’s body while their in ecstasy but it’s more. Orgasms and climaxes are natural but that does NOT mean you’ve ‘snatched someone’s soul’.

Soul snatching is being able to control your opposition not only physically but with your mind. A soul snatcher will entice your mind , leaving you fully open to experiencing new things outside your comfort zone.

Love Sex And Passion says They’ll please you and control you at the same time.

Not only is soul snatching real but so are soul ties. Each time a man connects with a woman sexually releasing his liquids and energy within her, he leaves a part of his DNA. If she doesn’t clean herself then it remains inside of her, leaving an impression which causes a person to become sexual addicted to that individual.

Sex is more than just a physical act, it’s spiritual as well. The more we are with a person especially in a sexual way, we start to develop their habits without even knowing it.

Jet Magazine says you ultimately become who you exchange with in the physical sense, so be mindful about who you choose.

Even when using a condom, spiritually transmitted demons can interrupt your spirit.

Have you ever noticed that some men and women can’t get over that one particular person that has caused them emotional trauma? No matter if it’s been months or years, the very sound of their name or even seeing their face just fills them up with disgust! It’s because something within them that wasn’t right tormented your inner being. Then eventually the only thing that was holding the relationship or bond together was the sex.

Sometimes that soul tie even causes us to attract that very person that we despise. It could be a different person, yet the same behavior. It all becomes familiar.

Pay attention to the way you are around this person. Are you calm and comfortable or are you sad for no reason or feeling empty?

I was always taught about soul ties and energies as a child but I never understood what it truly meant, especially when it came to sex. It wasn’t until I entered my twenties and had my own experiences is when I found out that it wasn’t a theory.

A couple of years ago, I was bonded to someone that I thought that I could potentially be with but it seemed like we were always clashing. There were times where I knew that the affects he had on me were destructive but I couldn’t shake him. It was a love/hate thing mixed with lust.

The more we linked up it seemed that we would literally exchange feelings. In the beginning I was always the happy one and he was always the sad one that felt like the world was on his shoulders.. then that all shifted into me becoming the depressed one and him becoming the ‘happy for no reason’ partner.

Once I finally came to my senses and ended it, I compared my experience with him to others. All the good and the bad was put into evaluation and I can truly say that we were tied together for all the wrong reasons. Even though I was hurt and didn’t want to believe it, I felt a sense of relief.

Women fall in love based on emotions even when they know the facts. Men fall in love based on facts, even if they have a strong connection or feeling for you they won’t let that overpower their decision on if they see a long term future with you.

MyBlackMatters says that many times we fall in love without realizing what it is we’re falling into. When a woman is led by her emotions this makes it easy for her to be taken advantage of. She may be sexually compatible with a man who has no idea how to care for her heart.

The same thing goes for men. This is why we have to be cautious of who we are exchanging liquids, energy, and spirits with. You don’t know what good or bad affects that person may have on you.

If you’re going to get your ‘soul snatched’ make sure you know who’s doing the snatching, you may be sleeping with the devil and you don’t even know it! Men and women your bodies are temples, your souls are flowers and your minds are butterflies. Treat them as such.

So ask yourself…

How many souls have I snatched? How many souls are living inside of you? Are we connected or are we attached?

“I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be.”

– Lisa Chase Patterson

Does Body Counts Matter To You?

‘I can tell that you been practicing.. All those other men were practice, they were practice

Yeah, for me, for me, for me’

– Drake (Practice)

Photographed by Lula Hyers

The past is never really in the past. When we get to know someone we want to know all about them.. their background, best memories, favorite food, childhood traumas, tastes in music, and past relationships. Then that dreadful question is asked….

‘What’s your body count?’

Usually when a man asks this question, he’s trying to see how innocent or freaky you are. When a woman asks this question she’s trying to see how experienced you are or if you even have some self control.

This makes things complicated and a little awkward because if you tell the truth, you’ll be judged on if you have some type of discipline or if you’re just being a thot.

(Thot is a slang term which originated from a Chicago rapper named Chief Keef meaning hoe or slut.)

Then if you lie about your past sexual partners you’ll get judged anyway if the truth is ever found out because no one likes a liar. Regardless the truth is hard to take in but its necessary.

Men are often pressured to lie about their sexual encounters to make them seem like they’re well experienced and if they don’t have this huge number connected to them, it makes them seem like they don’t get any action. Women are pressured to knock off a couple of numbers of their past lovers to make them seem like they’re ‘good girls’.

It’s crazy how these cultural stereotypes have our minds wrapped up in them like this.

Mel Magazine says men are supposed to go out there and get all they can while they can; women are supposed to seem discerning about who they let get up in there. Women are supposed to guard their virginity for love; men are supposed to get it over with as soon as possible or risk eternal humiliation. It follows then, that women would feel pressured to still seem pure, while men would feel pressured to seem experienced.

We’re all human and sexual beings by nature. Having sex is normal, no matter who we choose to lay down with or how many times we lay down with one person or multiple people.

Men can be openly sexual about their partners but why can’t a women acknowledge her sexual awakening and be as free as a man? Why is there so much double standards on something that were all doing?

Odyssey says that the number of people you personally include in your body count doesn’t define you in any way, but we still place this extreme amount of importance on it.

This is true. I’ve been around a lot of men who prefer women to have a certain amount of sexual parters because they claim that it shows that she’s pure, tight, and isn’t passing herself around.. but what about you?

The body is a temple regardless if you’re a man or a woman so shouldn’t that apply to men as well? Just because you have more sex partners than others doesn’t mean that you don’t respect yourself. Women love sex just as much as men, sometimes more the men. Yet men and women still set these unrealistic expectations on things that don’t even matter.

Dollar Shave Club reported that between zero and 10 is the range that people generally prefer to be involved with, especially when it comes to long term relationships.

Then there’s a myth that has been installed in everyone’s head believing that when a woman reaches a certain number of sex partners that she no longer has vaginal walls or tightness which is a flat out lie.

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Psychology Today says that the vagina’s tightly folded muscle tissue is very elastic, like an accordion or the mouth. When it’s at rest–all the time except sexual arousal and childbirth–the vagina’s muscle tissue remains tightly folded like a closed accordion. As women become sexually aroused, vaginal muscle tissue relaxes somewhat.

A tight vagina would prevent intercourse and reproduction from happening, so women evolved to have sexual arousal relax the vaginal muscles, allowing easier insertion of erections–and greater chance of pregnancy.

The arousal of a woman or how ever many sex partners she’s had doesn’t produce or stretch out her vaginal walls and it definitely doesn’t create a big opening since the vagina is elastic.

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On average women  require at least 30 minutes of sensuality—kissing, hugging, and mutual massage for their vaginas to relax enough to allow the penis to slide in comfortably. It gives women (and men) the warm-up time they need.

After relaxing during sex, vaginal muscle tissue naturally contracts—tightens—again. Intercourse does NOT permanently stretch the vagina. This process, loosening during arousal and tightening afterward, happens no matter how often the woman has sex, says Psychology Today.

Those myths can be put to rest now because these are the facts!

Honestly, a ‘body count’ is irrelevant because we were meant to be sexual beings. You shouldn’t label someone based on their past encounters because a persons past has nothing to do with you. You shouldn’t be intimated by anyone who’s had sex with someone you’re being involved with now. It’s a big world but we all are related to someone and have mutual friends with people. You are the present! Focus on that and stop being worried about childish things.

Personally, I don’t prefer to have sex with many people because everyone isn’t deserving of me in that way and I’m a clingy and territorial person. YOU ARE MINE! Period!

So with the attitude I have, casual sex wouldn’t work for me.  However, I don’t look at myself as higher than others who believe different or move different because I understand their point of views. I’m still going to show you that same respect, regardless of what you choose to do with your body. To be real, its not that deep as long as you’re using protection and not laying down with people for the wrong reasons (low self-esteem or trying to fill a void).

Women don’t be ashamed of yourself for what you did years ago, months ago or days ago. Do whatever makes you happy and don’t let anyone make you feel that you’re less than. You don’t need the approval of others. Men don’t feel that you need to lie to impress anyone or give off this persona that you’re a player, even if you were. Things happen and people change. As long as you’re living in you’re truth now.. that’s all that matters.

Who Is The King of R&B Music?

‘I don’t know what y’all be thinking when y’all bring ’em round me. Let me remind you that I am the King of R&B.

– R. Kelly feat. T.I. & T-Pain (I’m A Flirt Remix)

On Sunday, November 9, 2019 the singer Jacquees boldly announced on his Instagram that he’s the King of R&B.

View this post on Instagram

Fuck it !!!

A post shared by King Of R&B (@jacquees) on

Like a typical Aries man he’s competitive, aggressive and smooth but Que I think you went a little bit too far, my boy.

Don’t get me wrong as a fan of Jacquees I’ve been there for everything the ‘Persian Rugs‘ and ‘Me, U & Hennessy‘ type of nights, the Mood mixtape, the collaboration album ‘F*** a Friendzone‘ that you had with Dej Loaf and the remix of Ella Mai’s Trip.

There’s no doubt that Jacquees is the R&B version of Lil Wayne because he remixes every song like Wayne did and y’all have to give credit when it’s due. Jacquees be going crazy! But R&B King? Naw I’m going to have to disagree. I still love you Que.

R&B is short for rhythm and blues. These elements are now mixed with pop, soul, funk, hip-hop, and electronic music.

Reddit says that three big things that define R&B are rhythm, vocals, and atmosphere. Vocals are usually emphasized in R&B with a lot of the genre’s vocalists often trying to sound sensual, smoother, or slicker.

Artists like Usher, Mary J. Blige, Janet Jackson, Chris Brown, Whitney Houston, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Monica, Brandy, Patti LaBelle, Chaka Kahn, Sade, Anita Baker, Fantasia, India Arie, Nina Simone, Gladys Knight, TLC, Xscape, The Isley Brothers, Jagged Edge, Keith Sweat, Shai, Donell Jones, Dru Hill, Jodeci, Lyfe Jennings, Boys II Men, SWV, Alicia Keys, Aaliyah, Maxwell, Avant, Ginuwine, R.Kelly, Tank, Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, John Legend, D’Angelo, and Miguel are R&B veterans.

R&B songs gives us real life situations of love, heartbreak, drama, intimacy, and makes us create great memories to them. That’s why 90s’ R&B is cherished the way that it is because it’s more than just sex. It speaks to the reality that we’re all facing or may face in our lives.

The-Dream tells NPR that R&B is the closest point to the reality of love that there is. You need it because that’s real life. So when you take out a song, suddenly we’re dancing to a song that doesn’t mean anything.

That’s much of what we do today, dance to songs that don’t have much meaning. This is the number one reason why old hits and legends in the game will always be respected no matter how old they are. Their music will live forever.

There’s no doubt that Jacquees is talented but he still has more growing and more songs to produce for his fans along with people around the world to hold the title of being the King of R&B.

P.Diddy does a great job of expressing this in his Twitter video:

Now to settle this debate I believe that the real King of R&B is the one and only R.KELLY.

Yeah I said it, it’s R.Kelly.

Yes I do recognize that R.Kelly is a pervert, that man has been sick in the head since the early 90s’. Remember him and Aaliyah? But that’s another subject.

R.Kelly as an artist is phenomenal. A singer, songwriter and record producer he has been giving us hits since the 1993. He gave us sex hits such as Bump n’ Grind, It Seems Like You’re Ready, The Zoo, Sex Planet, Sex Me, In The Kitchen, Slow Wind, and Half On a Baby.

He gave us family reunion songs like the Ignition (Remix), Step In the Name of Love, and Happy People.

He gave us songs from a woman’s point of view like and When a Woman Loves, Be Careful and When a Woman’s Fed Up.

He gave us inspirational songs like I Believe I Can Fly, I Wish, Worlds Greatest featured in Kirk Franklin’s ‘Lean On Me’ and U Saved Me.

He gave us songs of deception like Same Girl, featured in Kelly Price’s Friend of Mine, featured in The Isley Brothers ‘Contagious’, Down Low and the successful Hip-Hopera Trapped In the Closet Part 1-33.

He gave us party hits like Snake and I’m a Flirt (Remix) and lets not forget his unique songs Hair Braider and Real Talk.

R.Kelly is well rounded in the field of R&B and his artistry proves that he is overall the King Of R&B.

So readers tell me, do you agree that R.Kelly holds the crown of being the King of R&B or do you think that it’s someone else? Comment your thoughts.

Lust vs. Love: The Differences of The Two L’s

‘If it look this good… I wonder how it taste?’

– Jeremih (Waiter/ The 5 Senses)

Image by: Angela D. Coleman

Lust is such a powerful thing. We can lust for money, food, material things and people. In human nature we are naturally attracted to things that give us curiosity and desire even if we know it isn’t good for us, the feeling is hard to break free from. Isn’t it crazy how we want the things that we can’t have? Put sex in the mix and that makes things even more complicated and confusing, like wow what a situation!

In Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor,  Judith (Journey Smollett-Bell and Brice (Lance Gross) have been together since high school, now they’re married and the fire between them has seemed to burn out. Judith just completed her graduate work in psychotherapy and she’s on the journey of starting her career as a marriage counselor. She decides to take an internship at a matchmaking firm. There she meets Harley (Robbie Jones) a charming and confident client who makes it clear to Judith that he’s feeling her. The sexual chemistry between the two is at an all time high as Judith and Harley start to spend more time together. Soon, Judith gives into her desires and finds herself in a web of chaos, placing her marriage in shambles.

Temptation captures the definition of lust perfectly! We often confuse lust and love because we are infatuated with the idea of this person rather than being in love with them. This fueled idealization leads us to believe that this person is for us and we’re blinded by what we hope they will become or what we need them to be, instead of seeing them for who they are. Adding sex along with that makes it even more complex and toxic because you’re addicted to how they make you feel physically and you neglect the emotional and mental aspect. Psychology Today says that studies show that your brain is in a phase similar to when your brain is on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area  lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Attachments happen when your in the phase of lust, not connections.

Signs of Lust

  • You’re more attracted to their physical appearance. Every time you see them, there  needs to be sexual activity happening.
  • Most of your thoughts about this person is of a sexual nature.
  • You only connect with them on a physical level, not as on a emotional or intellectual level.
  • You want them to leave right after sex rather than cuddling or having breakfast with them the next morning.
  • You don’t see anything long-term with them, it’s just for the moment.

Love on the other hand is beautiful. It’s pure, unconditional, and patient. Love overpowers lust because it’s stronger than the sex drive, it’s something that’s stable. You can’t see yourself without the person and you’re truly invested in them. It’s way beyond sex because you accept them for who they are, even when times are hard you still want them around.

‘See I’ll love you when your hair turns gray, girl and I’ll still want you if you gain a little weight, yeah. The way I feel for you will always be the same, just as long as your love don’t change’

– Musiq Soulchild (Don’t Change)

In the movie Jason’s Lyric, two inner city youth Jason (Allen Payne) and Lyric (Jada Pinkett-Smith) find love in the rough streets of Houston. They both are dealing with personal problems. Jason having guilt with his brother’s violent behavior from a traumatic experience that they both encountered and Lyric who’s hestiant to the feeling of love, scared that it will be smothered by the violence around her. Together, they learn to let go of their doubts and fears, and leave their past behind for a better life.

The love that is shared between Jason and Lyric in this movie is the most accurate definition of unconditional love. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. When you can truly be at peace with a person and you want to know things about them and their childhood, that’s how you know it’s real. The chemistry is there! Yes, you”ll be physically attracted to them but sex won’t even cross your mind because you admire them rather than being infatuated with them. You both motivate each other to be all that they can be and you’re protective over them. You’re willing to make sacrifices for them and you take an interest into what they like. There’s more than an intimate relationship, there’s a friendship as well. Independent says that love is an equal partnership, but you’ll find someone’s happiness become really important to you when you’re falling for them.

Compassionate love can be one of the biggest signs of a healthy relationship, according to research. This involves long-term commitment, deep intimacy and one of the main things that will make or break a relationship… TRUST.

Signs of Love

  • You motivate each other to become better and you work as a team.
  • You can’t stop thinking about them.
  • You want to spend quality time with them beyond sex.
  • You both get lost in conversation that you don’t notice the time and hours pass.
  • You’re focused on each other, your phones don’t matter.
  • You listen to one another and genuinely want to make each other happy, going above and beyond!
  • You want to get closer, meeting family and friends.
  • You become possessive over each other.
  • You only want that person and no one else.
  • They bring you peace.

Now that you understand the differences between lust and love, ask yourself…

Could I spend a whole day with this person without sex? Do I want to get to know their family? Am I ready to wake up to them everyday or just every now and then? Do I really want to go out my way to help them? How do we benefit from each other? Can I work through their past traumas that they’ve had? Can I chill with them, even without other people or my phone? Do I really like them or do I like the way they make me feel? Is there a future with them? Is there even a real connection here? Am I actually ready for commitment?

Girls Need Loving Too

What’s a girl to do when she needs loving too?

Image by: pinkincubi

Released in July 2018, Summer Walkers ‘Girls Need Love’ has touched our souls with the peaceful instrumental and the soothing sound of her voice. This is definitely a vibe. Since then, us girls have been playing this song on repeat! The video has hit 2 million views and it became number 7 on the Apple Music R&B chart last Sunday. I’ve been seeing this song on everyone’s Snapchat videos, Facebook lives, and song lyrics in IG captions. Celebrities like Reginae Carter, Bernice Burgos, and Ariana Fletcher aka Ari have been playing it along with us.

 

 

I feel like this song hit all women on a emotional and spiritual level. Love is such a tricky thing especially in this generation because people want to play the game and portray themselves as heartless. Walkers lyrics puts this into perspective telling us how it seems like there’s almost no hope in finding the right one.

“I just need some d***. I just need some love. Tired of f***ing with these lame n****s baby, I just need a Thug.”

Men often perceive women as being complicated and not knowing what they want but then when they come across a woman that’s sure of herself and knows what she wants, it’s like the disappointment still happens. It leaves you wondering when are you finally going to meet someone who’s on the same page as you. When is it going to be real?

Independent women intimidate men in regards to sex, career, and relationships. We make our own money, we don’t put up with any bullshit, and we don’t have time for games.

“Honestly, I’m tryna stay focused you must think I’ve got to be joking when I say I don’t think I can wait. I just need it now.”

Thought Catalog says that 40% of women have jobs in management and other professional fields. Women in these modern times are capable of working a full-time job and supplying their financial needs. They don’t have time to go back and fourth and play mind games because they have business to take care of. They’re trying to stay focused and reach their goals but they know what it is to be in a committed and balanced relationship. They’re not ashamed to tell you what they want and how they want it. They’ll tell you their expectations and dealbreakers from the start and make it clear about how they feel.

Being showered with gifts and even paying bills are greatly appreciated but we are capable of doing those things ourselves too.

We want MORE! It’s nice to hear those sweet things you tell us from time to time. Do it more often. Take action and be romantic. We want sex too! Most times we want it more than men do.

Show us that you’re interested in our favorite shows and our rants about work. Have goals and build with us. I can’t express enough on how much the little things matter because although we want the big picture we are still paying attention to the details.

We all have expectations but when a woman expresses how she wants things, we get ridiculed and criticized for wanting “too much”.

Walker speaks our most inner thoughts that we say to ourselves in our alone time.

“Girls can’t never say they want it Girls can’t never say how, Girls can’t never say they need it, Girls can’t never say now…”

Yes, we may come off as complicated and unbearable at times, but in reality we know exactly what we want. Men just have to take the time and effort to listen to us. Most of all try to understand us and see where we are coming from because in the end just like y’all want to be appreciated and loved, we want the same thing. Girls need love too!

When was the last time you stopped playing mind games and actually tried to see where things could go?